Author: Me [Sophie]
Rating: It's not really smutty, except the tiniest little bit in one part
Notes: I really need to write happy things...heh. And I will, when I get inspiration =] X-posted.
Time is odd when you are dreaming. Sometimes the whole night goes in a flash. Others, it seems like hours, but on the clock only a few minutes have passed. The whole idea of time is odd. When someone is having fun time passes quickly, but time passes slower when one is constantly watching the clock. Not everything is as it seems when you look at your watch and realise that half an hour has passed and you didn't even notice; it's almost as though time is stealing itself away from you. Almost as if it knows you're enjoying something and it wants to take that away from you. Almost as if it wants revenge.
Cheating death. That's a way of getting more time added on to your life. Maybe time wants revenge for all of the people that have done that.
Or maybe it was just me, being paranoid.
But as I looked at my watch again that night, it still read half past three in the morning. Time was getting revenge on me right now in a different way; this was the time he died exactly a year ago. Lee Gaze, the light of my life. Without him I was just Ian. Not Ian and Lee. Just Ian. And Lee hadn't cheated death, he'd gone looking for it all by himself.
I rolled over, pushing my thin bedcovers off me because I was too warm. Huddling into a ball, I looked at my watch again. It still read half past three. I clasped my palms together gently, and pretended it was him holding my hand. Despite the day that'd gone by, I still felt empty. My heart cracked a little more every day as I unintentionally revisited the memory in my dreams.
I glanced at my watch once more. Thirty one minutes past three. But time didn't really matter to me. It hadn't done ever since he'd died.
Right there and then, uncomfortable, lonely and hollow, I must have fallen asleep, because I found myself back in the happy memories of him being alive.
"I don't think we should be doing this..." Lee giggled, pushing the door closed with one hand while his other half-heartedly attempted to stop me from unbuttoning his shirt. "Ian, we're virtually in public!"
I grinned. "That makes it all the more fun, right? Just keep quiet..." I pulled his shirt off and let it fall to the floor. It had barely touched the carpet when I was undoing his jeans.
"Ian," Lee smiled, looking into my eyes while placing his hands on my shoulders. "I think we should slow down..."
I hesitated. "Yeah...you're right...yeah...sorry..."
Lee grinned. "It's okay...I love you."
"I love you too, loads and loads..."
I jerked awake very suddenly and stared into the blackness, the images of what happened at that party now reeling through my mind. That party had been awful. Not all of it. Just a lot of it. I sat up and crossed the floor of the hotel room me and the remaining members of the band shared, into the small kitchen.
Big mistake. It was the kitchen. And very suddenly, as though it was a roll of film, things started to stir more and more in my mind.
I couldn't get the images out of my head.
I couldn't get away from them.
I shook my head, trying to delete the memory.
Blood dripping onto the white lino floor and me looking into those startled blue eyes as I walked into the room.
No. I had to get away from the images. I had to get away from them. I didn't like thinking about them. I couldn't cope with thinking about them.
The gentle plip...plip...plip... of his blood as Lee heard YELLING but he was numb. Just feeling so numb...
I couldn't take this any more. I really couldn't. I opened the fridge and found several cans of beer. Straight-edge? Who cared; I needed to loose myself. Immediately. Before I went right back down that memory lane.
My panicked voice; "Lee...Lee, what've you done?"
No. I couldn't think about that. I opened the first can of beer and began to drink it. I hadn't tasted this taste since my early teenage years. It tasted odd. I checked the sell-by date. Well, it was just me, then. The beer was fine.
"Wait, I'm getting Jamie...and we need to get you an ambulance...oh God, Lee, why?" I fumbled with my mobile phone as Lee bled.
I shook my head again, gulping down the alcohol now. As I emptied the first can, I took another and gulped that down too. And then another. And then another. And then another. And I couldn't stop. I needed to be lost. Even if it was only for a while. I needed to be lost. Quickly. Before I recalled it all.
"Lee, is this my fault? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." I was telling Lee as he did nothing but numbly watch me phone 999.
I felt myself begin to get dizzy. My body wasn't used to this kind of alcohol intake. I knew I wasn't going to cope well. I swayed on my feet and grabbed the kitchen counter for support.
"I need an ambulance. Yes. Now. No, my friend's bleeding to death! Just get a God damn ambulance here now!" I yelled into the phone, before giving Lee's house details. Lee dropped the hacksaw with a clatter and fell to his knees before falling backwards, his back resting against his kitchen counter as he slumped against it. I rushed to his side, hanging up once finished with the phone and helping to support him.
I clutched the last can of alcohol in my hand. I'd literally just emptied Jamie's fridge of beer. Glancing into it again, my vision becoming temporarily blurred, I noticed that there was also vodka. I was just in the middle of drinking one of those too when Jamie walked in.
"Lee, why? Why have you done it? Why?" I asked, my voice cracking as a tear rolled down my cheek. Lee simply gazed into space. He wasn't all there.
"Ian! Ian...what've you done?" asked the voice of a wide-eyed Jamie.
Oh God no.
"Lee...Lee, what've you done?"
No. I can't handle it! I want to be left alone! NO!
"Ian?" Jamie asked, glancing around at the empty beer bottles, at the vodka bottle in my hand, at my eyes which were unfocused and at my frame, which was leaning heavily against the counter. "I'm getting Mike."
"Lee, is this my fault? Tell me!"
"No. S'not your fault. S'mine."
"NodongedMike," I said, trying to stop him. But my words were slurred and Jamie merely frowned at me.
"You're not in any kind of fit state, Ian. I'm getting Mike."
"Lee, why is it your fault?"
"I did it. So s'my fault."
"But why did you do it?" Ian asked Lee, sniffing as yet another tear made its way down his other cheek.
"Because I wanted to die."
The shocked, disbelieving, hurt look on Ian's face didn't stir anything in the blond. He just blankly looked from his severely bleeding cut-up arm to whatever was opposite him.
"IAN!" Mike yelled at me. "IAN, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" He snatched the vodka bottle away from me and then he and Jamie helped me to the sofa, where I literally collapsed onto it.
"Needtuhsleep," I muttered, closing my eyes, although I don't think they heard me properly.
"God damn, he needs an ambulance! Did you see how much he drunk?" Jamie asked Mike, shocked.
"I saw alright, I'm getting the phone."
Saw. Hacksaw. Blood. Blood, all over the white kitchen floor. Lee's blood. The ambulance was taking too much time to reach them. Almost as if time was making a quicker job of the death.
Lee slumped against me, and I knew he was gone.
And the last thing I heard before blackness stole me away from the world, was Mike saying: "I need an ambulance. Yes. My friend's consumed more alcohol than he can take. Just get a God damn ambulance here now!"
Maybe time would have mercy on those people who had cheated death in the past. Maybe through me and Lee dying early, time would allow two of those people out there more lifetime.
Because I'd gone looking for death too.
Just like Lee.
And I'd sure found it.
I was practicing my use of imagination a bit here, hence the stuff about the time...so let me know what you guys think, I'd appreciate it hugely =]